Lightdancer-Suffers · from · sweaty · feet, · dances · on · lightbulbs · and · causes · them · die

A year later and things have changed, or have they? I now work at the retreat as a mental health worker for a residential adolescent program in an on campus house. Its good work, with life influencing responsibilities, but absolutely worth it. I'm also an optomitrist assistant (SP?) which pays decently and covers the other 20 free hours of the week, with somewhat mind-numbing responsibilities, in comparison.

My thoughts are often filled with the questions about my financial situation, like will I eventually be able to afford a car of my own, preferably one without an engine problem? Or, should i continue my education for becoming a dramatherapist (at the expense of thousands of more dollars) or settle on this 12,000 or so salary a year job(s), because it may be as good as it gets until a higher education? Questions, questions. Right now I'M AS happy as a clam, but in the long run I know there is no way in hell these jobs would support a family, or what I dream for myself, which is only NOT to live paycheck to paycheck.

But other than that small worry (for the future mostly) I'm relatively comfortable! I am so happy to be back and involved in the arts, doing VtC shakespeare in the park, Much ado about nothing, as hero1 Apparently many of my lines have been cut, but whatever, I was never good at memorizing anyway!

Another thing on my mind is that I miss my sister very much. She is in texas and I know she is having a great experience, but I am so excited to see her again in a few weeks, it has been so long. You go six month and it's just...sigh, really, the longest we've been out of touch! She was in japan for three months and that was the longest, seriously. So this, is just so foreign. Even when we lived next to each other and maybe only spoke once a week, it was a comfort, so needless to say, knowing she will be here for a solid week gives me something to look forward to. I'm so excited.

And to see raymond, who is just a handsome three year old! I see these videos of him from my dad and I can't wait to see him and nami again after yet another year. I really hope these few jobs my dad gets helps him and nami pay off the US morgages so they can come back to the states more permanantly. I dont know where I'll be (at the farest, NYC) but at least Ray Chan will have an american education, and not that Japanese Bullshit of an education (facts, no interpretation or creativity)

Well, looks like my time is done, abother friday night or a bottle of wine. I think I'll sleep now.

Filing taxes puts my learning disability to light.

There is nothing in filing that is easy, visual, or audio. Everything looks like a jumbled mess and I get so paranoid and frustrated and hateful at myself for just not understanding. I come to road block after roadblock and after nearly a whole day going at it, I'm still not done.

I feel so stupid.

I suppose I haven't updated because I thought I would only go on about how much I've been struggling t his winter just to make ends meets. Graduating with only an arts degree doesn't take people as far as it may have when my parents (or just dad) graduated in the 70's. Almost a year later I finally have full time work, or rather two part time jobs that give me the hours of a full time position. Also, it's refreshing to work in two different environments!

Currently I work at Sarkis market and deli. I absolutely LOVE working with my co-worker Lynn. I have found a true friend in her. She too has studied psychology and she is actually a counselor with a degree, but working with people and their woes was just too much for her to handle. BONUS: free food and falafel, three to four dinners of the week.

I also work at SIT kitchen where I am the "salad lady" I make fresh green salads every day and spice it up with something new, like roasted broccoli with garlic and lemon, or curried cauliflower to add to the "line". It's fun to experiment with something. BONUS: Free breakfast and lunch four to five days out of the week.

Sometimes, but rarely I work for the Boys and Girls club, where I offer supervision, but mostly I just walk around the enormous space and talk with kids or engage them in a game or activity (and try to steer them away from their annoying text message devices! So annoying!) But working in the space reminds me of Ren Fair and I'm sad that it's something no longer in my life. This year I am determined to visit CT faire. This time, high gas prices and no money won't stand in my way!!!!

Jim has been a great support and we have been good for each other. We've been really into cooking lately, and every month we do a "splurge" dinner, where we might spend a little more on a choice steak, lamb or some other meat and make fixings to go with it. We made an amazing roasted salmon with herbed creme freche a few months back. It was so memorable! I love the moments where we find ourselves laughing in a long "giggle loop" for no reason other than we want to be silly. (Plus, his "nome" laugh is just something I can't resist!) He makes me so happy!
Together we are going to plant a larger garden this summer (and starting soon i think!). Thank goodness it won't be a "traveling" garden like it was last summer. Last summer we had a LOT of basil, and other herbs and a large tomato plant with little yellow and terribly sweet tomatoes. All which started in Vermont, then to NH, then to NY and FINALLY we carted them back to vermont for the final harvest. It was ridiculous, but our store of frozen pesto has proven worth it, especially in the winter were we would easily pull out an "ice cube" or two of our pesto to defrost and add to our pasta dishes.

In other news, my grandmother, Evelyn, died two weeks ago. No matter how hard one prepares, you are never ready to get such news. She was a beautiful courageous woman who believed in the importance of family, and often she brought them together through her hearty German cooking and baking. She had a loud laugh that would echo and a striking and off-gard sense of humor (*fart*, "oh, I think I heard a barking spider!") or ("UP YOURS, BUDDY!" to a rude driver) . She softened in her later year, her supple and full figure too softened and sagged, but her blue eyes remained sharp.
When I heard the news and in the still moments of each day, I recall my last memory of her on my last visit for her 92nd birthday. My father and I made the trip down to connecticut to celebrate. I made her Great Aunt Ruth's Yellow cake, a recipe of her sister's. That night she ate more cake then dinner. On her little cd box at her table, together we listened to her favorite musician, Danniel O'Donnel, who makes a whopping profit by sweetly singing old irish ballads and hymns to the elderly.
That night her nurse and I helped lift her to the bed, using a device that gently cranked her up in the air from the chair and set her down. I was disturbingly shocked by how little she weighed. But all the while her blinking bright eyes fell on me as I helped her. "And now you see how it's done!" she said, about her bed device. I hugged her goodnight, and she gave me one of her very wet sopping kisses on the check. When I was a child I always hoped it would fall on the check, because sometimes she would plant on the lip! How horrifying to a little kid! Then she gently rubbed my hand as I sat on her bed next to her. "You know how much I love you, you kids are so special. "
" And you're a special Grandma. I love you too"

It sounded dumb and cliche, like something out of a hallmark card, but we both knew what we said was true.


I woke up the next morning slightly pained from sleeping on the floor. We didn't stay long because Dad had to make it to a friend's house for some holiday occasion. Like usual, we exchanged hugs and kisses and Grandma was wheeled to the door where we would continue our goodbyes until we finally walked out on the pavement of the walkway and she would remain one step up in her house behind the glass door, waving until we lost each other's sight.
But this time, as I stepped out, she took my hand.
She took my hand and put it up against her pillowy check. This precious moment, of looking at me with half closed eyes as she savored our goodbye, will always stay in my heart.

I miss her so much. I know she loved me so much in a way like no other person could love me.

I didn't know going into this journal entry I would write about her. I guess it's something I needed to do. Grieving is a very hard thing, exhausting even.


I love you grandma.

"O for the wonderful love He has promised, Promised for you and for me! Though we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon, Pardon for you and for me. Come home, come home, You who are weary, come home; Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling, Calling, O sinner, come home."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62gz5Yo-7Ow

my little brother. Gosh I miss him and nami.

Thing is...I just really wanted to take Jim out on a romantic dinner.

So yes, I'm a bit disappointed.

Utah didn't end up working. Least I don't think it will. The person who was going to give Jim and I an "in" turned out unreliable. My friend Kellie says he's going through a family crisis and has been letting everyone in his branch down. It's all messed up.

So, we're applying to americorps the old fashioned way, through the internet. So far only a few bites. We're also looking for work in Boulder Co. where our friend Amy lives. It would be so awesome to see her again!

Jim and I will return to vermont in a few days, and although I'd rather be off to some other state and a future job, I am a touch happy to see my home and family for awhile. I suppose if this job searching takes a lot longer, we'll get some part time thing to hold off the expenses and put food on the table.

In other news, my work this summer was wonderful. I was the co-theatre director, but in many ways I feel like I brought more to the department than my co-worker, lots of new games in credit to AO. They LOVED excuses and press conference. At one point the WHOLE camp (350 people) gathered for a spontaneous game of Excuses, counselors-versus-campers. The two plays were great too, though I favored more "Captain Bree and her Lady Pirates" than a camp version of "Cinderella". Yeah pirates!

Not much else in news. Must go to lunch.

Weird thought of the day:

I think I would fail a polygraph test, even if I were telling the truth. Why? Because I think I'd be so focused on HOW to be truthful, that I'd come out sounding fake.

Ho Hum. Back to the grind.

I'm so close. SO CLOSE, I have butterflies in my stomach 24-7. How weird is that? To be nervous and excited at the same time...all the time!

Ahh, sitting and writing for six hours...me bums hurt!

ALLLLMOOOOSSSSTTT DONNNNEEEE!